the fire of guilt.... :(
Assalamualaikum wa Rahmatullah...so today i kinda lost it...
Subhan'Allah...its jus absolutely amazing how u can be so calm n composed and then lose it all to a single moment of anger...in that moment u lose all control of yourself, your tongue, of your body, of your heart...
eek...........yeah its a bad bad bad bad bad bad feeling...especiallyyyyy if u do it to someone whom u love more then anything in the whole world....yes sir.....im talkin bout my moms.... :(
you see it was as chill as can be, it was a couple of minutes before maghrib n i asked my mom if she wanted to go out with me cuz i had to go shopping, and she, ofcourse being the cutey patootey that she is, agreed. She asked when id be leaving n i said right after maghrib. So i did my thing, made wudu, prayed maghrib, n boom shaka laka i was ready to rock n roll. So i call out to mummy dearest, and she is in the shower....time passes...five minutes...ten minutes....twenty minutes...and boom thirty five minutes...at this point i lose all sabr and i lash out at my moms n i yell n scream that my store is going to close n this n that (all ofcourse is a bunch of rubbish cuz i didnt end up goin to that particular store anyway) so she, naturally, becomes upset and tells me to leave without her...which i do...sooner or later i turn around...but she refuses to come with me...
At this point im sittin in my Lex crusin down the road....and suddenly it hits me...the guilt starts in my heart n creeps up to my throat...n somehow begins to suffocate me....at that moment i wondered what would happen if i died.......would my momma ever forgive me? and if she did...would my Lord ever forgive me? In that moment of anger i forgot everything i had learned at the Ni'ma retreat in Jersey just a couple of weeks ago. Subhan'Allah Shaykh Salek had spent a week discussing with us "birr al walidayn" (kindness to parents), he spoke of the littlest things that we shouldn't do.......and i seemed to forget all of that in a moment when anger had overcame me...
at this point in the car a fire had lit inside of me....the fire of guilt....i began making istagfar...yet the fire became stronger n stronger...at that moment i was goin to call my mom n apologize but conveniently my cell phone had died. Random thoughts rushed into my head, thoughts of death, thoughts of the hellfire, thoughts of upsetting the two most important beings in my life, my Lord and my Moms....
So an hour later i return home, armed with a gift for my mom, and i walk in the door, with a sheepish smile, and my mom looks at me and smiles....subhaaaaaaaaaaaaaan'Allah...
at that moment all that anxiety that had built up inside of me melted....a moment of my stupidity was erased by a moment of my mother's mercy :)
so she looks at me n i say "mom im sorryyyy" n she hugs me n she says "beta i love you, don't forget that"....eek...it was a kodak moment to say the least :)
subhan'Allah dude parents are a blessing..such such such a blessing...n im soooo grateful to have mine. May Allah ta ala grant them health, happiness, and eternal wealth (the good kind:))....May he protect them from any type of harm, and jus shower them with his mercy, just as they have showered me with their mercy :) (ameen!)
wassalamualaikum wa rahmatullah
posted by Iqra Bismi Rabbika @ 3:56 AM
Comments: 1
