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Bismillahir'Rahman nir'Rahim, Assalamualaikum wa Rahmatullah

the fire of guilt.... :(

Assalamualaikum wa Rahmatullah...

so today i kinda lost it...

Subhan'Allah...its jus absolutely amazing how u can be so calm n composed and then lose it all to a single moment of anger...in that moment u lose all control of yourself, your tongue, of your body, of your heart...

eek...........yeah its a bad bad bad bad bad bad feeling...especiallyyyyy if u do it to someone whom u love more then anything in the whole world....yes sir.....im talkin bout my moms.... :(
you see it was as chill as can be, it was a couple of minutes before maghrib n i asked my mom if she wanted to go out with me cuz i had to go shopping, and she, ofcourse being the cutey patootey that she is, agreed. She asked when id be leaving n i said right after maghrib. So i did my thing, made wudu, prayed maghrib, n boom shaka laka i was ready to rock n roll. So i call out to mummy dearest, and she is in the shower....time passes...five minutes...ten minutes....twenty minutes...and boom thirty five minutes...at this point i lose all sabr and i lash out at my moms n i yell n scream that my store is going to close n this n that (all ofcourse is a bunch of rubbish cuz i didnt end up goin to that particular store anyway) so she, naturally, becomes upset and tells me to leave without her...which i do...sooner or later i turn around...but she refuses to come with me...

At this point im sittin in my Lex crusin down the road....and suddenly it hits me...the guilt starts in my heart n creeps up to my throat...n somehow begins to suffocate me....at that moment i wondered what would happen if i died.......would my momma ever forgive me? and if she did...would my Lord ever forgive me? In that moment of anger i forgot everything i had learned at the Ni'ma retreat in Jersey just a couple of weeks ago. Subhan'Allah Shaykh Salek had spent a week discussing with us "birr al walidayn" (kindness to parents), he spoke of the littlest things that we shouldn't do.......and i seemed to forget all of that in a moment when anger had overcame me...

at this point in the car a fire had lit inside of me....the fire of guilt....i began making istagfar...yet the fire became stronger n stronger...at that moment i was goin to call my mom n apologize but conveniently my cell phone had died. Random thoughts rushed into my head, thoughts of death, thoughts of the hellfire, thoughts of upsetting the two most important beings in my life, my Lord and my Moms....

So an hour later i return home, armed with a gift for my mom, and i walk in the door, with a sheepish smile, and my mom looks at me and smiles....subhaaaaaaaaaaaaaan'Allah...

at that moment all that anxiety that had built up inside of me melted....a moment of my stupidity was erased by a moment of my mother's mercy :)

so she looks at me n i say "mom im sorryyyy" n she hugs me n she says "beta i love you, don't forget that"....eek...it was a kodak moment to say the least :)

subhan'Allah dude parents are a blessing..such such such a blessing...n im soooo grateful to have mine. May Allah ta ala grant them health, happiness, and eternal wealth (the good kind:))....May he protect them from any type of harm, and jus shower them with his mercy, just as they have showered me with their mercy :) (ameen!)

wassalamualaikum wa rahmatullah

posted by Iqra Bismi Rabbika @ 3:56 AM Comments: 1

lets try this one more time...

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah...


this is another attempt insha'Allah.

i've started this post several times...yet erased it each time. Thats kind of the rhythm of my life...i embark on so many tasks, set so many goals, yet at the end of the day, i end up at the same spot.....

sometimes i wonder if a person never progresses, he's never changed, and if hes never changed has he really lived...if each day you're exactly the same person, in exactly the same spot in ur life, what exactly have you accomplished...ur deeds remain the same....and on the day of judgement when you're standing in front of your Lord, what will you tell him was the reason that you were inhibited.....pure lazyness?

but subhan'Allah i think to the barakah that im bestowed with...this barakah comes in the form of individuals whom i look at....and am just in complete and utter awe....these are individuals who subhan'Allah with each and every conversation with them I am reminded of the character of a noble muslim....individuals who are soooo humble and so sincere and devout...........ehh i cant even begin to describe them...but they're my pillars of support at the end of the day, they can make me smile, laugh, and cry all in a moments span...

and now once again im jus sittin back n contemplating..

a couple of months ago maulana kamal blessed us all with the most amazing story...a student asked him, what should one do if they have a friend whos Muslim but isnt necessarily practicing and isnt necessarily changing for the better...after months of trying should one give up...will this muslim hinder their practice....?

And Maulana Kamal (may Allah ta ala bless him and preserve him) paused and when he spoke his voice began to quiver...sitting behind the pardah i had no idea what was going on...but when he spoke i realized exactly what he felt...he told a story about himself about how he was not the most practicing of muslism back in his high school and college days...and how he had this one friend, Shaykh Husain, who was a practicing muslim. He described how throughout that difficult point in his life, Shaykh Husain was his friend, he never abandoned him, but all he did was he was his friend. He showed him what a Muslim is by just being there...and at that maulana kamal was brought to tears...shaykh husain was sitting there with him...and u could jus feel the barakah in the room...everyone in the room was brought to tears....single drops of sadaqah dropped from our faces...we offered Allah ta ala one of the most priceless things we had..our tears..n at that moment many of us realized that we are weak........sooooooooooo weak subhan'Allah......if it were not for the mercy of Allah subhana wa ta ala God knows where we would be...these individuals that Allah subhana wa ta ala blesses us with are a mercy to us...and i cant help but think that way about my posse :) May Allah ta ala grant them ease in this life, and ease on the day where there is no help other then His..ameeeen...


and wit that here was an im from my lil hijabi, as i like to call her :):

"my lil hijabi" (10:51:47 PM): Ya Allaah all praise is to you for giving me, a poor excuse for a muslim,such a wonderful friend who can always make me smile and recieve the hasanah of the Sunnah. Ameen "

see what i mean......make dua for these guys...they sure as heck deserve it :)

posted by Iqra Bismi Rabbika @ 2:24 AM Comments: 1

Assalamualaikum wa Rahmatullah

to

be

continued. . .

posted by Iqra Bismi Rabbika @ 5:25 AM Comments: 0